As a parent, we give and give, doing an extraordinary number of things for others. You should be commended for that and I am applauding you now. We generally put others’ needs before our own.
Sometimes, well let’s say most of the time, we feel guilty about doing things for ourselves. We need to remind ourselves that “We cannot be at our best for others when we are not making time and taking care of ourselves.”
Below are 8 things you should not feel guilty about doing and tips to help with the guilt.
- Saying “no” to others
When you want to say “no” then that is what you need to say. Don’t say “maybe” because that only prolongs the guilt you may feel. Saying “no” does not make you a bad person. One can only do so much. Decide where your priorities are and put them first. Taking care of yourself and your family should generally be some of your top priorities.
You do not need an excuse to say no, and there is no need to apologize. For a less stressful life, minimize commitments and do not spread yourself too thin.
When I teach goal setting, I teach to keep a calendar and block out discretionary time. You can use this same concept to make it easier to say “no” and protect time for yourself and family. You can block out time that is reserved. Then when you feel you need an excuse to say “no” you can simply say “I have another appointment (or commitment) at that time and I cannot help out.”
- Declining a phone call
When you do not feel like talking to someone, or anyone for that matter, let your phone ring. Try turning the ringer off and get some real guilt-free, phone-free time.
- Sleeping in when you need it
Do you ever feel sleep deprived?…..Yes!!!! I didn’t need to ask that. Let there be days when you put your kids in front of the television (as long as they are safe) or have a spouse, partner or friend watch over your kids for a couple of hours or overnight. You deserve to feel refreshed so you can be at your best for your family.
- Working toward your own goals
What are your dreams and goals? To be able to take a bath with a glass of wine or to clean the house? What about taking a trip, writing a book, or starting a business? Take time out for yourself by scheduling an appointment with yourself like we touched on in #1. Continue to schedule a bit of time for yourself each week.
- Asking for your needs to be met
Sometimes asking for your needs to be met is hard because you feel as though you are being selfish. Why do you have to ask for your needs to be met? Why doesn’t your spouse or partner just know or recognize what you need?
I will give you my best guess on this one; others cannot read minds. I am not as intuitive as I would like to be. I wish I had better skills here, but I don’t. Maybe your partner doesn’t know that your needs are not being met. This may not be correct in all circumstances, and you can better judge your own situation.
My suggestion here is to find the right time and kindly ask for what it is that you would like or need. Talk about some specific needs that you have and you might be surprised at how unaware your partner is.
- Spending money on yourself
You are absolutely worth it and you deserve to spend some money on yourself! You don’t need to go all out and break your budget or the bank! Put aside a small fund for you to spend on things that make you feel good. I can think of a few: A comfy pair of shoes, a bottle of wine, body lotions, nice perfume, bath accessories, or your favorite magazine subscription.
You will feel good every time you use your newly acquired goodies on money you set aside for yourself.
- Doing what is best for YOU, despite what others think
Other’s opinions affect us greatly. Sometimes it is best not to ask for others input. Then sometimes others simply give unsolicited advice or share their own opinions.
What is best for you and your family? How do you feel about a situation affecting you or someone in your family? What do you know that others don’t know? What are your values? Ask yourself these types of questions to get a personal perspective of why what you think differs from outside opinions.
You are fortunate to have information at your fingertips via the web and you can do your own research to validate what you may think is correct or to find other options that might make sense to you. You can use these tools to help you make wise decisions. Others may disagree, but you need to do what is best for you and your family.
- Removing someone from your life
Sometimes this is an easy decision, especially if the person is just an acquaintance or an old friend who has searched you out on social media. But sometimes this is a tough one as this person may be a lifelong friend or a family member.
You have the choice to stop all contact immediately or you may desire to do this slowly if the relationship is not too toxic. Here are some ideas for this for a ramp down:
- Do not initiate any conversations, and that includes via social media or phone
- Stop or slowly stop responding to text messages or direct social media texts
- You can unfollow people on social media, but remain friends or contacts; this way you will not see any of their posts or responses to other’s posts, but they can still send you direct messages
When a relationship is too toxic to remove the person slowly, I would suggest talking with a counselor or someone that is close to you that you can trust for good advice.
